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Friday, February 27, 2009

Right is right

Lou Dobbs rarely mentions Point/Counter Point but if he did he would say "Ladies and Gentleman we have ourselves a pristine example of true American intelligence. These boys are bright, driven and full of moxie. I would sacrifice my colon if it meant fostering the spirits of these two lads."
And of course we would accept the praise and inform Mr. Dobbs to check out this week's installment concerning right hand turns.

Due to an illness in the family, Bulletin Reporter Grant Smith was unable to contribute to this week’s point counter point argument, filling in for Mr. Smith is a precocious twelve-year old child with attention deficit disorder.

Leaves turn colors.
Cooks turn pancakes.
Robert Redford turns tricks as a charismatic crook in the 1940’s flick The Sting.
But Grant Smith only turns right.
Is it a symbol of his political leanings? No.
Is it a faulty steering column? No.
Is it an obsessive compulsive tendency? No.
The reason is that Grant Smith hates to wait.
Many a times there’s been comment from passengers,
“Dude, just chill out and take a left.”
What they don’t understand is it’s not a matter of being chill, Grant has been chillin’ like a villain since 1992 but he doesn’t want to sit idly by when he could be driving and seeing new sights.
Buffalo is an amazing town to view. The people are so quaint and all the main street establishments are gorgeous, it’s like a scene from a Laura Ingles Wilder book every time you venture out.
Why not take it all in?
It might take Grant twenty minutes to drive from the Bulletin Office to the YMCA but the sights seen make the journey really, really valuable.
Oh look, something shiny!

Life in the fast lane

Sinistraphobia- the irrational fear of turning left.

Man, over millions of years and through varies stages of development, has risen from the stinking swamps of primordial ooze and climbed head over foot to his rightful seat at the head of Mother Nature's dinner table.

He is a bipedal miracle of physiology, capable of great feats of strength and stamina. His physical prowess is further enhanced by his ability to design and create machines that defy the very laws of nature.

Yet there are those within the species who would spit in the face of our creator and refuse to enjoy the gifts with which we have been blessed. Of these ungrateful sods, the most boorish and despicable are those who refuse to make left hand turns while driving.

Is it impatience that leads to their dextral tendencies? Is it fear? Fear of having to judge traffic and make that instantaneous decision that sends their automobile hurtling into traffic, threading the needle between oncoming semi trucks and old ladies with bad eyesight? Is it hick ignorance born out of small town isolation and the luxury of a slow paced life that dulls the mind and the senses?

Probably the latter. But even hayseed hysterics can't explain the needless cowardice that some hillbillies display when confronted with the busy intersection at Bennett and Main. They panic, lose their nerve, and push that turn signal lever down, it's gearing worn from the abuse of thousands of such imbalanced behavior. It's sad.

These right-leaning losers will claim that there is no hurry. They'll preach the value of a journey well traveled and the joy of the simple life.

The reality behind their quaint musings is that they are scared. Scared of efficiency and scared of progress.

So while those who would stunt the evolutionary growth of the species are out spinning clockwise circles in traffic, I'll be making that oh-so-sexy left hand turn onto the freeway of the future.