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Friday, February 20, 2009

It takes a village (or) the more the merrier

Let's face it. Any nitwit with half a brain and no spine can get hitched. Look around you. Even the most unbearable mutants obnoxiously stumbling their way through life manage to trick some member of the opposite sex (or in states like Hawaii, Bubba and Bubba or Jane or Jane) to spend the rest of their meaningless lives with him or her.

Certainly, there are instances where two attractive, interesting, capable people find one another out of this sea of degenerates and manage to give hope to the human gene pool by procreating through that oh-so-holy union of marriage. I'm not so cynical as to discount these infrequent exceptions. I'm just not convinced they happen often enough.

It is because of these exceptions that the act of polygamy should not only be sanctioned, it should be demanded. Clearly, we can't have the humpbacked nincompoops spreading their seed across God's creation, tarnishing the well for everyone. But because it would be considered "cruel" or "immoral" to sterilize these dim brutes, it is up to the rest of us to overwhelm the numbers in our favor.

Unfortunately, heretofore in the United States this has not been the case.

Thousands of years ago, in that dry litter box of a region known colloquially as the Middle East, enlightened royalty were well aware of this fact. A ruler's duty and obligation to the well-being of his country and family was to gather a well-proportioned, diverse harem worthy of bearing the fruits of his divine loins so as to create a super crop of beautiful, refined offspring.

Yet due to the egalitarian and downright illogical prudishness of European religion, we Americans have inherited a society in which the only people bright enough to realize that "more is more" are the uber-prudish Mormon extremists. These guys won't drink a Coca-cola but they will marry half their kids just to make more kids. In the end it all comes down to numbers.

Modern arguments around polygamy usually revolve around three themes:
1. True love can only exist between two people and adding a third, fourth or fifth wheel cheapens a genuine relationship.
2. It is immoral for a man to demand the services of so many woman, to whom he cannot possibly devote adequate attention and
3. Who in the hell would want several wives when only one wife can be a complete pain in the ass.


Essentially, my rebuff to all three claims is one and the same. For a man, a real man, to be able to satisfy the needs of more than one woman is obviously a prerequisite for the kind of people who should be participating in this project. I don't advise any limp wristed sissies who can't cowboy up to the task of doing the rounds to take on the project. You're the kind of person we're trying to weed out in the first place. If you do your job right, your ladies should be more than happy. What's more, they'll probably be happy not to have you around farting and leaving your dirty underwear on the doorknob to the bathroom all the time.
Secondly, polygamy is not a habit exclusive to fellas. If there's a lady out there willing to take on the task of more than one harry-backed testosterone-pumped stud, be my guest. I only ask that you be choosy in your mate selection. We don't need another Screech or Barbara Streisand ruining things for the rest of us.

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