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Friday, February 20, 2009

Love the ONE you're with

No man is an island but neither is he a nation.
Thusly, the beloved sanctimony of marriage should be between two people and two people alone.
There’s no room for additional interests.
A case in point comes when a haggard J.R. Logan stumbles through the door after another high intensity day of covering breaking news stories in Johnson County.
“Honey, did you remember to pick up the dry cleaning?” a sweet dulcet chimes from the bedroom.
“Dry cleaning,” ponders Logan. “Golly-gee I just plumb forgot.”
“Baby, did you remember to get the cat from the vet?” a second, equally sweet voice beckons from the kitchen.
“We have a cat,” muses befuddled J.R.
“Sugar-bomb, did you send those thank-you cards to our dear drag-queen uncle Mildred in Jackson Hole?” the third question comes from the entry-way to the two car garage slightly muffled by the sound of an orbital sander.
Yes, that’s right, this would be a nightly occurrence if Logan elected to live the life of a polygamist.
Can you imagine?
Neither could he, his argument is based on fantastical imaginings of multiple limbs and long lived love affairs but it’s not how reality runs.
Unicorns and talking Koalas with a great alacrity for hugs and snuggling are more likely.
It’s difficult to provide the sufficient love and support that is necessary to water the sprouting bulb of any nascent or long lived marriage i.e. running the errands, offering that strong shoulder for support when a tear needs to be shed, or searching for coins under the sofa in order to provide that precious gem of your heart the ample funds necessary to purchase some Zima.
It would prove downright impossible to attempt to adequately furnish this same support to multiple wives.
Considering our nation's high divorce rate, I think concentration needs to be focused on maintaining the ever-brittle sinews and tendons of a sole relationship between two people, not looking for avenues to multiply, and subsequently increase the difficulty, of that said equation.
Now maybe everything is going smooth between the two legally conjugating couple.
It would be at this point Mr. Logan would ask, “Can I have seconds? “
No you can’t have seconds because it’s just like ice-cream, once you have your first serving, greedy grabbing will be less pleasurable and undoubtedly cause a cold headache.
If you like variety in your life, then don’t look for commitment.
It’s called being a playa.
Polygamists are not playa’s because they try to incorporate an aspect of fostering anddedication that is impossible once the numbers has been elevated beyond two.
To borrow the time honored phrase from Rocker Stephen Stills, “Love the one you’re with.”
Not two or three but one.
And who can argue with Stephen Stills?

It takes a village (or) the more the merrier

Let's face it. Any nitwit with half a brain and no spine can get hitched. Look around you. Even the most unbearable mutants obnoxiously stumbling their way through life manage to trick some member of the opposite sex (or in states like Hawaii, Bubba and Bubba or Jane or Jane) to spend the rest of their meaningless lives with him or her.

Certainly, there are instances where two attractive, interesting, capable people find one another out of this sea of degenerates and manage to give hope to the human gene pool by procreating through that oh-so-holy union of marriage. I'm not so cynical as to discount these infrequent exceptions. I'm just not convinced they happen often enough.

It is because of these exceptions that the act of polygamy should not only be sanctioned, it should be demanded. Clearly, we can't have the humpbacked nincompoops spreading their seed across God's creation, tarnishing the well for everyone. But because it would be considered "cruel" or "immoral" to sterilize these dim brutes, it is up to the rest of us to overwhelm the numbers in our favor.

Unfortunately, heretofore in the United States this has not been the case.

Thousands of years ago, in that dry litter box of a region known colloquially as the Middle East, enlightened royalty were well aware of this fact. A ruler's duty and obligation to the well-being of his country and family was to gather a well-proportioned, diverse harem worthy of bearing the fruits of his divine loins so as to create a super crop of beautiful, refined offspring.

Yet due to the egalitarian and downright illogical prudishness of European religion, we Americans have inherited a society in which the only people bright enough to realize that "more is more" are the uber-prudish Mormon extremists. These guys won't drink a Coca-cola but they will marry half their kids just to make more kids. In the end it all comes down to numbers.

Modern arguments around polygamy usually revolve around three themes:
1. True love can only exist between two people and adding a third, fourth or fifth wheel cheapens a genuine relationship.
2. It is immoral for a man to demand the services of so many woman, to whom he cannot possibly devote adequate attention and
3. Who in the hell would want several wives when only one wife can be a complete pain in the ass.

Essentially, my rebuff to all three claims is one and the same. For a man, a real man, to be able to satisfy the needs of more than one woman is obviously a prerequisite for the kind of people who should be participating in this project. I don't advise any limp wristed sissies who can't cowboy up to the task of doing the rounds to take on the project. You're the kind of person we're trying to weed out in the first place. If you do your job right, your ladies should be more than happy. What's more, they'll probably be happy not to have you around farting and leaving your dirty underwear on the doorknob to the bathroom all the time.
Secondly, polygamy is not a habit exclusive to fellas. If there's a lady out there willing to take on the task of more than one harry-backed testosterone-pumped stud, be my guest. I only ask that you be choosy in your mate selection. We don't need another Screech or Barbara Streisand ruining things for the rest of us.

Point/Counter Point Vol. II

We return this week with another provocative installment of Point/Counterpoint, the open debate forum in which any number of topics are put up for discussion between polarized Bulletin reporters Logan and Smith.
Dubbed the "most awesome display of raw energy and engaging rhetoric in Johnson County," Point Counterpoint has quickly become the WWF cage match of intellectual grappling.
This week Point/Counterpoint takes on the contentious issue of polygamy- posing the question "Is less really more?"